I tried. I give up. Fuck wine.
Two words I've decided to unofficially strike from the English language:
Awesome.
Random.
If I catch you using either of these words without sufficient provocation, I will pummel you with both my fists. Or emit a frustrated groan in your direction and then make exagerated gagging gestures. Today's letter is: "G"!
Goodbye.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Time and the Human Existence
To be fair, Michigan isn't all bad. The city of Lansing definitely has some positve features, and my own living and working situation is pretty damn satisfactory.
Still, it's a monumental challenge to feel anything but disgust for these surroundings. I rarely trouble myself with the Past; I've never felt it should matter when facing the Future. I was wrong. In a sense, the Past is the Future. If I were to graph my life on a set of axes Time vs. Direction, my present is only a point. If it has slope, it's undefined. My past will form some sort of curve, from which we could extrapolate my future ... but of course, that's only in theory, because the undefined nature of the Present makes the Future unpredictable; also, the Past is only real in it's effect on the Present, and Future is pure idea. Future is Hope on one side and Fear on the other.
Okay, sorry, here's where I'm going with this: the Present may be the only reality, but the Past and Future are equally important. Every aspect of my present is characterized by either Hope or Fear (alternatively Happiness or Sadness, Ambition or Apathy, etc.) or in other words, all of my present is characterized by my future. This, in turn, is determined by the base value of my present which is my past. What I want to do is make my present more positive. Isn't that what we do every day? It's called "living". Alright, well in the context of my current discussion, then, this means orientating my past in the direction of Hope rather than Fear.
If you're confused or skeptical, please hold on and really think about it for a moment. The Present has no meaning without the Past; if you look at what you're doing right now (sitting in a chair reading this) and take away the context of Past, it's completely meaningless and in fact reading is only possible thru synthesis of knowledge you've gained in the Past. Likewise, without Future, the Present is meaningless. If, at this instant, the universe should cease to exist, then the Past Present and Future all disappear together.
Anyway my point is that for my present to have any meaning, and for the future to be hopeful rather than desolate, and to attain any happiness, I can't ignore my past. This idea has been slowly materializing over the past several months, and I've started trying to address my current problems at the root, by fixing my past for the sake of my future. But I don't think I've been reaching back far enough.
Vicci and I are trying to fix our mutual past and future, which is good. But some of it is less mutual, and I'm really struggling to get past some mind-blocks regarding the state of Michigan, and related issues. The rest of my past needs to be right, too, from my birth to present, and there are some things that have never been dealt with. I have only a vague idea of where to start, but no action I can take presently ... so I'll wait. But how should I live with things right this instant? It's here; the Past lives in every breath, so how can I touch the intangible?
It's too far past sleeping-time for me to write any more, or revise what I've written. I know it's a mess, and chances are I'll delete it all ... but if you read this, don't be alarmed. I'm not on drugs, I'm just really tired. Please go ahead and comment; at the least, it will amuse me.
= )
G'night!
Still, it's a monumental challenge to feel anything but disgust for these surroundings. I rarely trouble myself with the Past; I've never felt it should matter when facing the Future. I was wrong. In a sense, the Past is the Future. If I were to graph my life on a set of axes Time vs. Direction, my present is only a point. If it has slope, it's undefined. My past will form some sort of curve, from which we could extrapolate my future ... but of course, that's only in theory, because the undefined nature of the Present makes the Future unpredictable; also, the Past is only real in it's effect on the Present, and Future is pure idea. Future is Hope on one side and Fear on the other.
Okay, sorry, here's where I'm going with this: the Present may be the only reality, but the Past and Future are equally important. Every aspect of my present is characterized by either Hope or Fear (alternatively Happiness or Sadness, Ambition or Apathy, etc.) or in other words, all of my present is characterized by my future. This, in turn, is determined by the base value of my present which is my past. What I want to do is make my present more positive. Isn't that what we do every day? It's called "living". Alright, well in the context of my current discussion, then, this means orientating my past in the direction of Hope rather than Fear.
If you're confused or skeptical, please hold on and really think about it for a moment. The Present has no meaning without the Past; if you look at what you're doing right now (sitting in a chair reading this) and take away the context of Past, it's completely meaningless and in fact reading is only possible thru synthesis of knowledge you've gained in the Past. Likewise, without Future, the Present is meaningless. If, at this instant, the universe should cease to exist, then the Past Present and Future all disappear together.
Anyway my point is that for my present to have any meaning, and for the future to be hopeful rather than desolate, and to attain any happiness, I can't ignore my past. This idea has been slowly materializing over the past several months, and I've started trying to address my current problems at the root, by fixing my past for the sake of my future. But I don't think I've been reaching back far enough.
Vicci and I are trying to fix our mutual past and future, which is good. But some of it is less mutual, and I'm really struggling to get past some mind-blocks regarding the state of Michigan, and related issues. The rest of my past needs to be right, too, from my birth to present, and there are some things that have never been dealt with. I have only a vague idea of where to start, but no action I can take presently ... so I'll wait. But how should I live with things right this instant? It's here; the Past lives in every breath, so how can I touch the intangible?
It's too far past sleeping-time for me to write any more, or revise what I've written. I know it's a mess, and chances are I'll delete it all ... but if you read this, don't be alarmed. I'm not on drugs, I'm just really tired. Please go ahead and comment; at the least, it will amuse me.
= )
G'night!
Monday, August 07, 2006
I Know They're Wrong, but That Doesn't Mean They're Not Right
I am a volcano.
I can build lots of pretty things on my surface, and they may take root and become part of me, but some days I still feel [within my bottomless heart] the rumble of an unstoppable, explosive rage. It takes no form, flowing aimless and troubled beneath my cities and parks and theatres; only the animals and the medicine men are kept anxious.
I have some things coming to me, which have been a long time in coming:
work,
school,
and Vicci.
All in the next few weeks. Normally at such a time, my nerves would be ringing--a split second before my body hits the cold surface of a spring-fed lake on a summer morning at dawn. But this really has been a long time in coming. Right now my nerves are on fire--when I'm at the bitter end of breath, still fighting upwards through the distance, blackness bursting under my eyelids. So close, almost there ... I can't bear it!
I don't know if I'll be posting much in the coming months, folks. This laptop is heaving a long death-rattle, and my dad has decided that I don't need a computer at college. Not that this is a big sudden change out of the ordinary; I haven't been posting much of anything lately anyways ... but who knows? Maybe I'll find time to give updates on my well-being from time to time from a lab PC.
I can build lots of pretty things on my surface, and they may take root and become part of me, but some days I still feel [within my bottomless heart] the rumble of an unstoppable, explosive rage. It takes no form, flowing aimless and troubled beneath my cities and parks and theatres; only the animals and the medicine men are kept anxious.
I have some things coming to me, which have been a long time in coming:
work,
school,
and Vicci.
All in the next few weeks. Normally at such a time, my nerves would be ringing--a split second before my body hits the cold surface of a spring-fed lake on a summer morning at dawn. But this really has been a long time in coming. Right now my nerves are on fire--when I'm at the bitter end of breath, still fighting upwards through the distance, blackness bursting under my eyelids. So close, almost there ... I can't bear it!
I don't know if I'll be posting much in the coming months, folks. This laptop is heaving a long death-rattle, and my dad has decided that I don't need a computer at college. Not that this is a big sudden change out of the ordinary; I haven't been posting much of anything lately anyways ... but who knows? Maybe I'll find time to give updates on my well-being from time to time from a lab PC.
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