Time and the Human Existence

To be fair, Michigan isn't all bad. The city of Lansing definitely has some positve features, and my own living and working situation is pretty damn satisfactory.

Still, it's a monumental challenge to feel anything but disgust for these surroundings. I rarely trouble myself with the Past; I've never felt it should matter when facing the Future. I was wrong. In a sense, the Past is the Future. If I were to graph my life on a set of axes Time vs. Direction, my present is only a point. If it has slope, it's undefined. My past will form some sort of curve, from which we could extrapolate my future ... but of course, that's only in theory, because the undefined nature of the Present makes the Future unpredictable; also, the Past is only real in it's effect on the Present, and Future is pure idea. Future is Hope on one side and Fear on the other.

Okay, sorry, here's where I'm going with this: the Present may be the only reality, but the Past and Future are equally important. Every aspect of my present is characterized by either Hope or Fear (alternatively Happiness or Sadness, Ambition or Apathy, etc.) or in other words, all of my present is characterized by my future. This, in turn, is determined by the base value of my present which is my past. What I want to do is make my present more positive. Isn't that what we do every day? It's called "living". Alright, well in the context of my current discussion, then, this means orientating my past in the direction of Hope rather than Fear.

If you're confused or skeptical, please hold on and really think about it for a moment. The Present has no meaning without the Past; if you look at what you're doing right now (sitting in a chair reading this) and take away the context of Past, it's completely meaningless and in fact reading is only possible thru synthesis of knowledge you've gained in the Past. Likewise, without Future, the Present is meaningless. If, at this instant, the universe should cease to exist, then the Past Present and Future all disappear together.

Anyway my point is that for my present to have any meaning, and for the future to be hopeful rather than desolate, and to attain any happiness, I can't ignore my past. This idea has been slowly materializing over the past several months, and I've started trying to address my current problems at the root, by fixing my past for the sake of my future. But I don't think I've been reaching back far enough.

Vicci and I are trying to fix our mutual past and future, which is good. But some of it is less mutual, and I'm really struggling to get past some mind-blocks regarding the state of Michigan, and related issues. The rest of my past needs to be right, too, from my birth to present, and there are some things that have never been dealt with. I have only a vague idea of where to start, but no action I can take presently ... so I'll wait. But how should I live with things right this instant? It's here; the Past lives in every breath, so how can I touch the intangible?

It's too far past sleeping-time for me to write any more, or revise what I've written. I know it's a mess, and chances are I'll delete it all ... but if you read this, don't be alarmed. I'm not on drugs, I'm just really tired. Please go ahead and comment; at the least, it will amuse me.
= )

G'night!